The first step, speaking up.

First I want to say that I was raised in the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I had parents that had converted to the religion right before they had me. Why I was never really taught about Gospel in the home I was very aware that we were Mormon. I can recall my first feeling of uncertainty, I was 8 and was sitting alone with my Bishop for my baptism interview. I remember not really understanding what he was saying. I just agreed with all he had to say because I did not want to be in trouble. Now when I look back I see a frighten child making a huge decision and having no idea. I wanted my parents to be proud and not to punish me for questioning them. The Church was not the only instance of this to be fair. This is how I was for the most things most of my life. I was always worried to let people down. I wanted everyone to be happy and not be the reason for unhappiness. Even now I don't want to attach myself to this blog and yet have a need to get out my feelings and feel a lifted burden. With that said this is what I believe.

My testimony of God:

I believe in God the eternal Father. I believe that Jesus Christ was sacrificed for our sins and he is our exaltation. I believe in the Holy Ghost and the spiritual guidance that is offered. I believe they are three personages, not one. Just as we are all separate.I believe that all the work we do in a marriage and a family on earth is not wasted. I believe we can be a family in the life beyond this one. I can not comprehend what the purpose of this life would be if it did not carry over. I believe if you are a good person, you are honest in your dealings with others and you strive to be kind then it will all be okay in the end.

For eight years, since the day I was endowed in the Temple of the LDS Church. While the general feeling that is calm and peace (because everyone is quiet and it is decorated beautifully) I did not feel closer to God. I actually had an opposing feeling. Now being taught in the Gospel you are suppose to go with the burning of the bosom. That is what I have done. For 8 years I have tried to understand and find a comfort with what I went through. However, since you can not utter what happens in the Temple outside the Temple I have carried a heavy burden. I have talked with members about Gospel, I have spent hours talking to missionaries and I have prayed with an open heart. I was never looking against the Church. The opposite actually.

I finally found the information I needed to confirm to me and my husband (who was also raised in the Church). We had feelings of affirmation that while there is nothing really bad about the Church. They actually teach wonderful things in no means am I saying this is a bad religion. I am just saying it is not the religion for me. I am fairly sure there is no organized religion for me which I am okay with. I think most churches teach good things and make good points. However, I can not see how man could possibly have all the knowledge of the Heavens. I just don't think we could even comprehend the magnitude of what eternal life is.

I have many family members and friends that would be lost or living undesirable life without the Church. So for them I am grateful they have what they need. I am also quite thankful for the Church's welfare program. It is quite amazing when used properly. The unfortunate thing that I believe that sometimes they turn away good people who are working hard and need a little help. While I have seen many horrible people be assisted continually and this bothers me. I feel that it almost rewards them for the way they are living. This is 100% my view and I am not attempting to claim my views as Gospel.